I forgive myself…

Ballroom Dance / The Buffalo Diaries
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The natural ebb and flow of conscious energetic experience is very real.  Some days the energy strong, a flowing pressure within my body and others not so much.  Meditation has brought the awareness that this is very natural and when understood creates additional space to work with the experience.  I saw it this morning in my shamanic journey as a replay of my last dance class.  My teacher, showing us the flow and timing of the Waltz steps said something like this…

The movement never stops… the rise and fall, even though the beat suggests an actual pause, never stops moving.  There is always movement, even within the pause…

It took me a few days of my own experience of releasing more of the past, a complete identity that was an external shell that I presented to the world, dissolving with forgiveness and release.  It took some doing to release, as most identities are deeply connected into the subconscious and vested in sticking around.  But, what if the identity is no longer serving me?  That is the case with me and as my spiritual growth continues, this particular identity was other than aligned to my highest truth.

So, naturally as I continue my practice the discrepancy becomes more and more apparent.  Those traits that made up the identity that are other than aligned with the way I want to be right now begin to stick out like the proverbial sore thumb and create discomfort.  I have felt lethargic and energized, happy and sad, ecstatic and depressed, all within the blink of an eye.  At first, I looked within the realm of reason, allowing my mind to analyze the situation and got the expected answers.

However, my healing has come about from shamanic practices and access to the higher realms of consciousness.  My experience with western medicine in all cases left much to be desired, so all I needed to do was listen to my minds analysis to know the identity was making its last attempts to hold on.  Your sick, your depressed, your angry, you don’t have what you need/want… Lack, lack lack.  And that is how I know.

I am healthy and happy.  Love and kindness are abundant in my life.  I experience profound Truth on a regular basis.  I am the Light of this perfectly functioning body, the Universal One and beyond this perfectly functioning mind, I am that complete Radiant One.  I KNOW this as I have directly experienced it.  So, the question was, who am I?

Funny thing, I had known the identity longer than my Authentic Self and I had been actively cultivating that identity since my early childhood.  For the longest time it apparently worked for me.  So personally did I embraced this identity that it created residency within my being and ran the show for a long time.  Much of what I have released, bit by bit, over the past couple of years was created by that identity and I am happy to see it go.

Now that I know that Love flows through me naturally as the vibration of Creation, I am less tolerant of the identities behaviors, wants and desires.  Because I have done Soul Retrieval and reclaimed my energy from much of those past experiences, I have come to understand where I had allowed my Authentic Self to be pushed aside to be replaced by the outward personification of an internal projection.

Somewhere early along I became my biggest critic and I began judging myself within the context of my surroundings.  The standards that I was being held to in the external world quickly became adopted and the projection began.  I started to see myself within the framework of limitations placed upon me at the time.  I became adept at “succeeding” within those parameters and thereby strengthened the newly forming identity, giving it power over my Authentic Self.  I see now that it was a choice, albeit that I made with limited Truth about the situation, but I did make it thus solidifying the identities roots.

And now I know different.  I am Love and Kindness…  That is the core energy of my Creation and when I am feeling other than this way I look for the source.  In the past, the source came from Soul Trauma that I needed to heal and now I see the source as the identity.  He is weak now, desiccated, dry and bony this being is dying.  I have ignored him for a very long time, effectively starving him from attention and it has shown.  It appears that I have healed enough of my past discretions to be able to see the True Source of the years of misguided actions and resulting wounds.

Now, seeing this being within me who had guided my life askew for so long, I am filled with compassion. I no longer wish to starve this being in hopes that he withers away and dies, but rather I embrace this part of me and Love it completely.  It was a part of my Soul’s Journey and I understand it now.  I no longer need to identify with it, as I know who I am. I must forgive myself completely for all my thoughts, words and actions while identifying with this being. And I do…  It has taken a few days of intense, deep meditation on forgiveness and release but this identity has been crossed over.

It serves me no more and I let it go with Love and Kindness.  I recognized this identity as a shadow to my light and shone my consciousness on all facets of my being.  OK…  I wasn’t a very nice person to myself or others.   Right here, right now I choose Creation, the vibration of Love.  And in doing so, I am able to forgive…

As I continue this shamanic exploration of the dance a whole new world of energy is opening up to me.  The dance, in it’s purity, is enhancing my own experience with Creation and I am better able to be present.  In that presence, I found this identity… In that presence I am the embodiment of my Soul, the original blueprint of my Creation.  Other than that is exposed, seen for its Truth, Loved, Forgiven and Released…

The last couple of days, as I was releasing this identity, I had the sensation of being stuck.  Paused…  If I connected with it, I felt as though I was being sucked into a vortex of despair, but I knew that was not true.  I kept being reminded that this would pass, that I was releasing and the energy would come full circle.  This morning in my awakening meditation, I was greeted by my dance pro to experience his discourse on the motion of the Waltz.  And it made sense…

In the Waltz, there is such grace and elegance, ebb and flow, rise and fall and sway side to side.  There is motion even when a step has stopped, it is merely the appearance of a stop, but within the grace continues.  This is life and I choose to dance elegantly through it from now on.  There is much to learn from the Ballroom Dance as it relates to this shamanic journey and so I continue.  There is more to this life than that identity allowed me to see, so I thank it for its service and Love it back to source, forgiving and releasing all that was, I am now able to fully experience life’s dance.

Love and Kindness,


the Buffalo Diaries


Marc is a modern yogi and visionary guide for new paradigm thinkers and creators. He brings a current approach to the science of yoga and meditation, blending masterfully, ancient practices and philosophy to soothe this tumultuous modern experience and support purposeful, organic and dynamic creations that bring humanity to a higher consciousness experience. He has served business, government and international non-profit organizations, as well as coached individual clients from all walks of life to realize their highest good.

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